I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
