dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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