I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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