I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
