if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My room smells like vodka and shame
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
