I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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