And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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