I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
