I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
