god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
