The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
