I checked into jail on foursquare
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
