why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I touched a dick in church today
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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