It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
