The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
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