The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
