you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Randomize
