Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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