I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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