Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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