Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
