Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
