are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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