he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
