Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
