My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
do herpes really smell.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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