i need an iv and a liver transplant
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
