No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
