When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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