he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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