I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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