the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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