well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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