I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
