I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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