do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
