While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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