I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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