I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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