She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
If I die, sorry about rent.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
