He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
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