tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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