$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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