I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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