My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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