You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
