did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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