P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I have already put on my inside pants.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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