We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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