You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
